Office topics rarely have any limits. Last Friday as a few of us were in a deep discussion of the latest celebrity gossip we found ourselves googling some of their ridiculous tour requests. Which got us thinking; what would we request on tour? So here it is (in no particular order), the Curator tour rider:
-A ceiling-to-floor wall of portraits of cats wearing people clothing
-Low lighting and Stevie Nicks playing at all times
-Real-time updates on Cardinal baseball scores
-Eight golden retriever puppies in the room at all times.
-Vanilla latte, coconut water, prosecco and a margarita with salt –just so I can have beverage options depending on what mood I’m in.
-Brave Horse pretzel breakfast sandwiches
-Collection of Pottery Barn and West Elm magazines
-My dog of course
-Banana & Peanut Butter Ben & Jerry's froyo
-annnd if Ryan Gosling could accompany me that'd be great
-Four bowls of Sour Patch Kids, separated by color, 99 (exactly) per color
-18 cans of Diet Coke in refrigerator, in three equal rows, logo facing forward on all cans
-Thai peanut chicken skewers (10) with three different dipping sauces of varying spiciness
-Platter of shrimp (cooked, deveined, deshelled) with spicy cocktail sauce
-Foot soaking tub with all possible accoutrements
-Digital and print editions of the latest three issues of Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly and TIME magazine
-A separate rider for my first rider that details that the original rider must be written on red, coded and numbered paper so that it is not photocopyable and that if it falls into the wrong hands and was ever published, it could be traced back to the person who was assigned that particular coded, numbered paper for proper retribution
-1 chilled can of sugar-free, mango limón Golazo (the 10 cal kind in the silver can) and French pressed black coffee from Street Bean Espresso in Belltown. That'll keep me going for a good chunk of the day.
-$100 cash in fives (for tipping valets/coat checks/etc.). I hate having to make special trips to the ATM when I'm traveling (fees, anyone?).
-A dinner consisting primarily of sushi, cooked fish or chicken, and some kind of veggie thing(s) on the side. If we're in the South, ribs and
whatever Southern food the locals say is the best. I try to eat well, but I loooooove Southern food.
-During baseball season, someone should be on hand to feed me updates if Felix takes a no-hitter beyond five innings. There should also be a TV with
access to the game, just in case. Any Mariners playoff appearance and I'm not traveling, unless it's to the game.
-Room decorated like a turn of the (last) century jazz bar.
-Nina and Ella playing in the background
-Decanter of Lagavulin 16 with a glass (including pre-chilled whiskey stones) for me, and a shaker full of lemon drop and a sugar-rimmed glass for Ellie (as she would be on tour with me obviously) on a table next to a rack of Peterson pipes.
-Full gym and personal trainer
-Personal chef who specializes in the combination of thai street food and making super healthy foods flavorful.
-Law and Order: SVU marathon on loop
-evian 1L bottles at room temperature
-Personal Flywheel instructor and sommelier to pair wines with every snack/meal
-AND a personal GIF creator to document laugh worthy moments
-1,001 lilies (I HATE flat numbers and I love lilies)
-Enough chilled Dom champagne to fuel my never-ending Champagne Campaign (if I’m on tour I’m assuming I’ll be on a CC)
-2 green peppers, 1 English cucumber and a bowl of ranch fat-free sour cream dip (I’m getting all of my calories from the champers, obv)
-A personal barre3 instructor to keep my butt in shape, literally
-Mirrored vanity, white leather couch, a faux polar bear rug and a crystal chandelier (because why not?)
-A crystal bowl filled with room temperature bottled water for my puppy, as well as organic puppy snacks (I don’t care what brand, I’m not high
-Personal eye-lash extension technician
-Fresh, organic, seasonal fruits and veggies (sliced and separated, not mixed together)
-Personal trainer (preferably Jillian Michaels)
-Evian water in designer Christian Lacroix glass bottles (chilled)
-'Nsync or JT bumping on loop, mixed in with the USC Fight Song
-two-dozen white and pink roses
-Haribo Gummi candy raspberries
-a fun photo booth, because let's face it, who doesn't love a good photo booth?
-My parents' mini-golden retriever, Sadie
-Professional, but local mixologist
-A combination of appetizers from the best–rated restaurants (according to Yelp) in that city
-A pedicure chair, or just the foot soaking part
-GLEE, any season
-One of those kid Barbie cars, but adult sized (since I never got one when I was little) to get to and from my hypothetical stage